attaining nirvana
no matter where the mind
levels & a balance of moments
occurs there is eventual
dread -- disarray
is the real world
of people -- disarray
& luck. some men
ape along,
stay within the leaves,
& some men hop out
jack off
cackling in front
of the path you're on,
lost, confused, are you
dead? are you sure
this is biological life?
a mind & a body
rubbed within a woman
slips out
this thin, fat man,
economically retarded.
goddamn it i forgot to write a good friday poem
good friday is arriving
as a former roman catholic
i ought to know what that
means & what to do or
how to think of this
breath in this sprinkle
of time. is good friday
when jesus was initially
nailed to a cross & hung
in the sun of the middle
east? then on easter
he ascends on clouds
of light angelic brightness
having moved a boulder
from the mouth of the cave
like god. magic. divine
intervention.
i think there's a christian
holiday i'm missing here,
pre-easter.
maybe not. maybe i'm just
confused about all this
mythology, these
beliefs & tangents of
imagination. what wld
we think without
this long history of
illusions?
we hallucinate
whole
lives.
entire
existences
are meaningless
simply human sensory
experience.
we are still
living at the start
of human evolution
before we
fly by mind-control.
i need you
kathi made me
grilled cheese
sandwiches. before
them i ate pop-tarts.
yesterday 2 big macs
& fries for supper.
pizza has lasted
since tuesday, 2 boxes
from barbato's. i had
butter & garlic chicken-
wings too, ranch dressing.
i'm about done
with ideas.
it's like i'm pressed
between glass-slides
of the past
& the future
with this gigantic fuck
of a microscope looking
in on me.
i'm pretty breakable.
expendable.
without me
amerika will continue
its trek into the stars.
i don't care about any
of that -- nothing
but you being stronger
than me
or likewise,
or symbiotically
in this war of life,
machine-guns of years.
that's what eventually
gets us,
years.
supper so far
4 slices of pizza
& the lettuce & onions
in the salad bowl ann
made before she left.
4 bottles of beer
before 6 o'clock.
some of the pirate's game
tho they were losing 4 to
nothing in the 8th last
i saw -- wood, the cub's
pitcher, was overwhelming,
98 mile an hour fast-balls.
fuck. that's insane.
no man shld be able to fire
a baseball that fast
for at least 13 strike-outs.
clam chowder?there are 2 cans
of clam chowder in the cupboard
& maybe a cool movie is on.
dominic wears me out,
his sheer energy of being,
that focus!
an improving vocabulary
& pronunciation too
& he told me
he had to pee
& we were like
right there
at the men's room
at k-mart's
like magic
he tinkles
holds most back
since the toilet
is a little
too high
& he refuses
to sit
while pissing.
he turns 4 this
june.
6 in the evening
i'm about ready for sleep.
prone on the couch with the tv
playing something
or other. it doesn't matter
i see double blurry things.
a thousand miles south
ann drinks her 6th
beer pool-side.
love
what have i wanted to do
while ann has been in tampa?
buy a pack of cigarettes
& smoke them.
have i?
no. she comes home
tomorrow afternoon
& i've just returned
from hanging
with my grandson since
9 this morning.
we did k-mart's
& my sister's
& the beach where
dominic threw
stones over pieces
of ice into the
cold, cold, gull-shreiking
water of
lake erie.
i'm just beginning
to calm down from
work
anxiety since wednesday --
thoughts of it
pop into my head
slower
& slower.
i try thinking
what wld ann say?
& to the purchase
of cigarettes i know
a giant
resounding no no no!
3 years breaking addiction
& i still crave nicotine.
that's the real power
of nicotine, want,
but love is
need, & i need
ann with me
to stay alive.
read up
in touch with ron androla
...and john hennessey
click to view movie/poem - eggs